There are no Synonyms..

For the English Language to have so many synonyms for meaningless words, to not have any for Suicide seems a bit strange.

It’s the S word that gets bleeped out of content on social media, it’ll get blurred from articles, it’s the word you can’t say on a new client evaluation form for a therapist, you can’t put it in writing to anyone, and you can’t talk about it or you’ll end up in a 72 hour hold.

I’m not suicidal, but I have found myself not caring about living as much as I used to. When I was 12, I would of never anticipated making it to my mid-thirties. I’ve just kept coming up with reasons to stay, and the lows haven’t been low enough to go through with anything. Then I became responsible for two beautiful little girls, and it just seems like no matter how bad things are in the moment, they aren’t bad enough to cause them the trauma it’ll take their whole lives to recover from.

But some days - I close my eyes when I’m alone in the car, and I don’t slow down when someone cuts me off. My diet is surely slowly killing me, and I make no effort to adjust that. I have never purchased a gun for protection, because it’d be too easy to have a plan in place. I cried when I put things back inside the garage so that I can’t park my car entirely in there any longer. I’ve Googled the amount of house hold medicine it would take to actually go. I’ve kept my girls home from school on bad days so it’d stop me from wanting to go further with anything. I’ve sobbed so hard that it felt like my chest was caving in. I’ve laid down in showers wishing the water would take me out but it just gets cold eventually. I’ve reopened old scars and shut out everyone that isn’t a needed part of my daily life.

All of this to say, that I can’t even commit to the S word.

I dip a toe in, I’m not saying no to it, I’m not trying hard to avoid something from happening, but I won’t take the final step. I picture a perfect world where I have letters written to everyone who needs one, I arrange child care and I take off somewhere so that it won’t be witnessed. But then I realized that no one will read the letters, the girls will be devastated and will be cursed with wondering why and placing blame their whole lives..and I leave them with their Dads to handle life. I guess it boils down to control. Although I’m losing control daily in my life, and just can’t work hard enough to get to the solution.

We have to create synonyms for the S word.